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The Theoretical Cook


Tuesday, July 11, 2006

Amy Sedaris in the Food Service Industry

I intend to join the food service industry someday. I already have a friend who works in a coffee shop (management engineer), another one who peels potatoes in a luxury cruise ship (and he had a degree in economics) - so the idea of me working as a waitress in a decent restaurant is not really so far out. It would be good if I owned the restauarnt too, but that's far out.
Amy Sedaris, who makes us laugh, is a waitress. Since I've already started this disgusting habit of cutting and pasting for the blog, I might as well continue. My fabulous gay best friend (FGBF) insists that I accompany him on the 28th for a book signing by David Sedaris. I don't care for D Sedaris; I only read him to gratify my FGBF's desire for talkathon on D Sedaris. But his sister, Amy Sedaris, is another matter. Amy is disgustingly funny. FGBF lent me his copy of Strangers with Candy and the entire madhouse-youth-hostel where I lived ground to a halt.

DAVID: You've had a long career in food service. How has that served as material for your comedy?
AMY: It helps with your timing, your memory, getting characters from people. I like jobs that deal with the public. I love when a customer gets in a really bad mood, gets cranky and treats you like shit.
DAVID: Have you ever based a character on a customer you've had?
AMY: Yeah, sure.
DAVID: Can you think of one?
AMY: Can't think of one.
DAVID: Maybe you just piece different people together to form one character.
AMY: Yeah, that's what you do. You just get an idea of how they are ... how they treat you. Treat you like a slave.
DAVID: Are women and men different as diners?
AMY: Women want everything on the side. I want the sauce on the side. What kind of dressing would you like? On the side. I want this, but instead of eggs, can I have onions? They change everything about an item on the menu.
DAVID: How do you think people differ in different parts of the country in terms of restaurant patrons? In the South for instance, it tends to be more chatty between customer and server.
AMY: They go for entertainment. People assume, Well the waitress is going to be there, she'll talk to us. And they don't tip as well, that's for sure. The whole eating-out experience is different. There, it's soup and salad, and salad bars, and iced tea with free refills, that kind of thing. Here's it's different. It's not rude service but you can just be a certain way and people expect it.
DAVID: I understand that you once submitted a list to your employer, Marion's, stating why you should be elected employee of the month.
AMY: Yes, I did.
DAVID: Can we hear it?
AMY: I, Amy Sedaris, should be employee of the month for the following reasons: 1. I'm the oldest and best looking waitress at Marion's. 2. I never have sex with customers during my shift (not even blow jobs!) 3. I've never showed up drunk except for the time I had the root canal and that was doctor's orders. 4. I have never put aspirin in the fish tank. 5. I don't sell drugs during work hours. 6. I once had a TV show. 7. I invented scotch and water which is a very big seller. 8. Even when it's hot I almost always wear shoes and panties. 9. I have a rabbit. 10. It was my idea to provide silverware and napkins so the customers wouldn't have to bring their own. 11. I'm smart, good with my hands, and people like me. 12. I've never been arrested in the state of New York. 13. I encourage people to drink. 14. I really love it here. 15. I'm honest. 16. If I get employee of the month and lose fifteen pounds they'll let me have my TV show back.
Copyright © 2003 Index Magazine and Index Worldwide. All rights reserved.


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